Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
Randomize
