Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
It's been a year of occasional hook ups....this was bound to happen sometime even with your jank ovary schedule.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
