I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
She liked every single Facebook status in her newsfeed and then made her status 'I LIKE U GUYS'
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
