i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
