Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
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