a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
