The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
I don't know if I want to live in a world where i can't fuck an exes brother.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
