Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
