His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
