Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
He managed to crash an entire train of shopping carts into a wall. I think he noticed my implants.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
MUFFINS DON'T MAKE YOU ORGASM MULTIPLE TIMES OR HAVE ROCK HARD MUSCLES.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
