Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Also, beer. Big fan.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
Randomize
