Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
I sent him a tit pic with the caption, "Mt. Arie and Mt. Hola are ready for expedition." Too nerdy?
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
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