you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
good news. according to wikipedia, my blackout might just have been "post-trauma amnesia"
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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