i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Hey, I'm sleeping in your car...lol just knock on the window in the morning
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
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