I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
There's holes in the drywall and the beer pong table is a broken door on two barstools. You know they like to party.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
He's very cute and has a totally sit-able face.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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