Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
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