I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize