i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Please, let me fuck your mom
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
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