I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
Ahhh... Adderall running out my nose in the shower really brings back memories.
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
Nothing says Happy Holidays like sending a picture of your ass to the wrong manager.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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