remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
