My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
