Hi
Babe...You're really smothering me right now
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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