I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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