I'm not a mortal combat character
but my vagina is
Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
