I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
Found another bruise from Saturday #stopliquor2014
You're acting like you didn't chug fireball, like duh you have bruises you drunk betch
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Randomize
