My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
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