fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
So we came to a decision, you need to fuck your hot roommate and send us pictures. We voted, so don't hate the democracy this great country stands for
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
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