I wish I only lived at night.
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Tequila is never to blame. We all make good choices under tequila
I sucked his dick by a creek, how romantic.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
