what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
