totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
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