The guy next to me is watching porn. EVERYTIME I COME TO THE LIBRARY SOME RANDOM GUY NEXT TO ME LOOKS AT PORN.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
3pm strippers are depressing
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Nothing like grinding all night with a hot ethnic guy dressed as a clown to help conquer your phobia. Halloween is fucked up.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
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