i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.
Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner
Previous statement retracted.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
