last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I'm fighting fire with fire. When my parents interrogate me about what I was doing last night, I tell them the truth. Every disgusting, awkward detail. I'm 23 now and they need to get used to it.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
