Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
just answer this one ? for me. why is there human shit in my shower right now?
Randomize
