found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Still not exactly sure how i unbolted your toilet from the ground.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I also got a mission for you and you're gonna love it. Biggest. Hospital. Party. Ever.
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Randomize
