i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
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