i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Okay, I have a threesome with foreigners and suddenly I'm a man-whore
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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