i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
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