Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
That penis will go down in history. It's the Helen of Troy of dicks. I will conquer it and the tale will live on for future generations to learn from
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I hoped the great care he put into rolling a blunt would translate to my vagina.
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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