I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party
so no drinking for you?
don't be silly
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
i meant to type that i went to that party for shits and giggles, but my phone corrected me and said for shots and goggles...either one works
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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