I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
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