How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
