did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
