I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
What drink are we having for lunch?
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
