did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
