Kareoke will never be a sober sport
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
Randomize
