fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
road dome is illegal, just asked in driving school.
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Randomize
