ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
Randomize
