Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
