I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
its like..once you have one emotional drunk night, you can't stop. i feel like i have to end every drunken night in tears and i dont think my roommates think it's heartwarming anymore
but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
so I may or may not have had intense sex to mozart's greatest hits on vinyl... I don't know if I should be proud or just really disappointed in my nerdness
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
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