Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Haha. Last winter I went through this phase where id go to the bars with my own giant goblet and demand to be served white wine and red bull hah
Remind me in the morning that I've now seen a guy do crack. That actually happened. I'm at the wrong party.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Randomize
