We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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