saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
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