They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
