Jerry, you need to find god
I was just like staring at the lawn boy while singing "You Belong With Me".
I am the king of creep.
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
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