My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I cant shower it involves moving...
Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
