Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
Randomize
