You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
Randomize
