Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
He paid the bartender with money from the tip jar then proceeded to hit on me in front of my date. I love frat dances
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
Randomize
